Autism: Birthday Party or No Birthday Party? March 10, 2010
Posted by hopeauthority in Autism, Children, Family, Parenting, special needs.Tags: Autism, autistic child's birthday party, Family, special needs
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Well, it’s that time of the year again. Time to plan Fabio’s birthday party. He wants an indoor pool party (we still have snow here).
And I won’t even get into how bothered I am by the fact that he’s turning EIGHT. Where did all that time go? And yet, sometimes it feels like he should be 20 because he’s been 2 for about 10 years…
As I was making out the short guest list, I realized that only one of the kids who had autism had had a party of his own and even that kid just had one or two. And its not a financial thing. The moms, all of whom I know well and for at least 3 years, offer these reasons:
1. He doesn’t “get” the birthday party concept, so why spend the time and money?
2. He doesn’t “get” the presents thing.
3. He doesn’t interact with his peers, so why bother if he won’t even notice anyone’s there.
4. I can’t predict how he’ll behave on that day and if he’s “off”, then it’ll all be a waste.
5. I’m tired of family or friends complaining that he doesn’t come up to them. They don’t get it and I have no patience.
6. He won’t know what he’s missing.
On one hand, I can relate to a lot of what they feel. And yet, even with hesitation, I booked the party today. For this Saturday. (Not too last minute, right?)
Maybe I’m just wishful, but I think Fabio does understand that kids should have a birthday celebration. And I think I’d be sad if the only cake was the one at the dinner table with just the four of us. Is it just that I can’t let the dream of typical die? Maybe. And I’d beat myself up with Italian guilt if I did actually hurt his feelings by not having a party with his peers. But that’s me and it’s what I hope is right for my son.
I’d love to know what others think about having traditional birthday parties for their autistic kids. Do you or don’t you? Do you do it only for your typical kids? And what about the guests: a mix of typical and special needs children or not? What kind of party do you have (ie pool, bowling, etc.)?
Share your thoughts here.
i have only had family b-day parties for my son. this year i decided to invite his friends (i asked my son if he wanted to invite his school friends, all autistic, or his soccer friends, all typical). he said his soccer friends. we are having a pool party because he loves to swim and it will take place after a soccer game. there are 9 kids to invite and im figuring no more than half will show – saturdays are busy this time of year. i will be heartbroken if no one shows although im not sure he will care as long as he gets his pinata he’s been asking for. how did your party turn out?
Brandy:Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I hope your party went well and the pinata was a hit! (Get it?!)
If your son was able to choose his guests, I bet he’s close enough to typical that the kids he chose would want to come. My son is not quite there yet. But its the parents who you have to worry about.
If someone was having typical kids to a special needs party, I’d suggest reaching out to the guests’ parents in advance and nicely explaining to them how you are not inviting many kids and how important it is that their child come if he says he will, since its hard to explain no shows to a special needs child. (Of course, special needs parents generally jump at an invite to a party…even though actually going through with it can be stressful…since the invites are sometimes few and far between.)
In these days of over-booked social activities for kids, sometimes old-fashioned manners…like RSVPing timely and actually showing up if you said you would…are hard to find.
My party (and the one before mine) was a nightmare from my viewpoint due to numerous problems with the staff in charge of pool parties at World Gym in East Setauket, NY. My son and his guests had a good time, but he would have even if he was swimming in a big puddle. As long as he can swim, he’s fine.
Even with the argument after everyone left and the reduction in the bill, I was still boiling at the lack of sensitivity to the special needs guests (after being assured of their great training) and the scheduling snafus that melded consecutive parties. Ugh.
It’s part of the reason I didn’t get back on the blog to discuss it! But I bet yours went well. Swimming after a hot soccer game sounds great!
My little guy (2) is autistic and I give him a birthday party every year. I know he doesn’t understand but why should i make him miss out on what is his special day. All my friends kids come and his cousins and they all know and love him for who he is and don’t care if he has time out inside doing his laps. I took him to a play cafe last year where all the other kids played and he was happy to just walk around the place and hide out in the baby area. We did a birthday cake and all and he finally understands that means he has to blow the candles. If he never had a party how would he ever learn.
This year we are having a farm barn come to our house because he will love it and that’s all that matters….
Helen I love your attitude. What a lucky boy you have. Its so important to “get it” and you do already…it takes many moms longer to see whats important so soon after a diagnosis. Please keep having the parties that are right for him, not for the guests (they’ll adapt). How’d the barn party go? I laugh because my son would not enjoy that one…he is sentsitive to smell and hates farm animal smells. If he’d been there he’d have been politely distant from the animals and wehn asked if he wanted to pet the goat would have said “No thank you.”
i also have a son who has the same case. he was diagnosed mild autism when he was 2 years old. yeah, i love celebrating my son’s birthday. schooling at a mainstreaming school, mixed special and normal kids. i always prefer to have a basketball party.
Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I think the best thing for many autistic kids, especially those with focusing issues or ADHD, are parties without structure like basketball, bounce house places, gyms…it may not be the traditional tight group party, but I’d rather my son have fun doing his own thing most of the time, than be the only kid at his own party who is not sitting with the group.
My daughter loves pirates so for her 4th birthday I told her we’re going to have a pirate party and she’s been talking about it for 2 months. It’s two weeks away and I’m trying to plan out how to schedule everything so it goes smoothly. She has sensory integration dysfuntion and needs to wear a weighted belt everyday. I know she had other special needs and this will be our first birthday party with other kids. I’m so excited for because for the first time she’s going to have a day all to herself and her friends to celebrate with. When I was a kid one of my only friends was severly autistic- you could not understand him and he had to be fed still at the age of 7, but I was invited to his birthday and even though it was not like the other parties I had experience it was still his birthday and we were there to celebrate it, it only lasted an hour, tops! I hope I inspired someone to take the time and patience to give their child a special day that they deserve every year.
Cassaundra: So sorry i didn’t get to reply earlier. Serious health issues with my father-in-law for a 4 month ICU nightmare…
Please let me know how the pirate party went! I’m imagining your pirate with a decorated weighted belt of pirate treasure!
My son will be 8 in December and along with being autistic he has the added bonus of having a birthday on December 23rd. So being a December baby myself, I know how it goes.
His first birthday party was huge, ridiculous party at a hall, but it was great. The present opening took forever so that should have been held for home, but lesson learned. He was diagnosed at age 3 and we mostly did family parties with our close friends.
I did have a party with kids from school, but it felt a little awkward with the typical kids moms. It isn’t intentional, but it is just hard at times for us to really talk because they don’t always know what to say, I don’t want to be pitied either.
Last year was challenging because my husband and I were just starting divorce proceedings, but I had the party at our home and it was rather successful. Riley was very “on” that day and in tune with the cake and gifts. I know he had a very good time. It made me very happy to see him so happy.
This year I have a dilemma because his father no longer lives in this state and most likely will not be around when I have a birthday party. I am not on the best terms with some members of his family because I had a birthday party for my daughter and chose to only invite her friends or family with children. This apparently caused some problems, but I couldn’t afford it financially and I was afraid their might be some tension at her party because of the ongoing divorce.
So the question stands do I have something for Riley. Normally, I do things at home because he does better in his environment. I don’t know how i feel about my ex’s family coming over. I feel like it might be kind of an invasion and my family there as well, it could get very tense. I was thinking of trying to smooth things over. I would have it at a bowling alley and the kids could play and there would be room to move etc.
An attempt to keep lines open and all of that. I know Riley would enjoy the bowling aspect of it and I think that is the most important thing.
Hi Eve. Autism is hard enough without having to deal with the stress of a divorce. Here’s my take on the situation: First of all, you definitely have something for Riley, whether its home or bowling because he is used to parties and having his bday recognized. Whenever I’ve been on the fence about doing the party I worry that if I don’t he’ll know it. It gets mentioned at school, right? So then they know its their bday and may wonder why no party? Remember, many are developmentally behind a few years, so turning 8 could be like turning 5. And parties are important at 5.
Lets assume all the adults on both sides love Riley and would never want to ruin his day, regardless of how they may feel about the divorce. Why not try this: Take the high road and apologize for slighting those you left out of your daughter’s party. With the invitation, include a note that says something like “Its been a tough year for all of us, especially Riley and X, and I haven’t always made the right decisions. I never meant to offend anyone and apologize if I did. The kids’ bdays are hard on them this year without [hubby] around. I’ve some to realize that having as many of their family members from both sides around them on their special day is very important and I know you love them. It would mean a lot to me and Riley if you would join us in making a wonderful bday for him as I know you love him too.
I can’t imagine anyone but a heartless clod ruining his day, especially after that kind of note. Clear your mind of guilt, get a fresh start, and pick the party your son would enjoy best becasue in the end, that’s the most important thing. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Hi everyone, I’m new here. My son has not been officially diagnosed, but in my heart, I know he is on the spectrum. We are taking him to a neurologist the end of January (the waiting lists are ridiculous!) Anyway, I just did a search on “do autistic kids understand birthdays” and it led me here. My son just doesn’t get it. When presented with gifts, he just throws them to the side, never mind getting him to sit and open them. He understands blowing out candles and loves cake, but he doesn’t understand we are celebrating him. I had a big party for his first 2 years, he turned 3 today. I felt so embarrassed last year when he wasn’t interested in any of it (now I know why). So this year I decided to still have a party, but just invite our immediate family. They know all that is going on with him, and although it still may be hard, they don’t take it personally. I feel I will always have birthdays for him. Even if he doesn’t understand, I will celebrate his birth each and every year. There is a part of me that will always hope he will someday understand.
Happy Birthday to Ryan! I’m so glad you stopped by here to share your feelings. Its so overwhelming getting through the day-to-day with kids on the spectrum sometimes, and big ocassions are often even harder. Congrats on taking the first step and getting the evaluation. So many parents are understandably so scared to hear a diagnosis that they delay and end up wasting precious time that could be used to to start services and other support which may help your child on the road to recovery. And yes the waits are long! I waited 4 mos for my MD diagnosis after the county’s evaluation, but the county started services in the meantime since their professionals diagnosed him as PDD/NOS (the MD diagnosed autism). FYI: The autism diagnosis gets you more services in many locations so don’t get too caught up in the label they give you.
What I can tell you in the years of experience I have (my son is 9 and diagnosed at 22 months) is that he’s gotten better from services, from holistic therapies like HBOT, NAET, SCD diet, and supplements, etc, and from general maturing and growing. Your son will too. If he doesn’t ‘get” the gift thing, don’t make him open them at the party. Family only parties are fine if that’s what you’re and he’s comfortable with. Once he goes to school or pre-school, if he turns out to be on the spectrum, he will be with others like him and their parents will get it, so you will have friend parties again. And as you get more comfortable with any diagnosis he may be given, your friends and family will learn how to adjust to accommodate ryan’s needs. He will understand what a birthday means someday. He may understand now, but be unable to communicate that to you. This is the first year my son is finally making his own christmas list for santa. Just realize many of the things “typical” kids understand and do may just come later for ryan. But it’ll come. Just get him the support he needs. And take care of yourself as well. Let us know how the party goes!
Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. My son’s been in early intervention for a little over a year, and he just transitioned out. After all the evaluations, he qualified for our town’s disabilities pre-school program and will be starting in a couple weeks. He’ll be in a class of 8 kids and will be getting speech, OT, and PT. We are thrilled that this will be available to him for the next couple years and are hoping it will make a huge difference for him by the time he goes to kindergarten. I’ve heard so many say that the earlier these kids get help, the better off they are. Thanks again for replying.
You will be amazed at the difference these programs can make. If you’ve ever considered a special diet (it does take some work!), its best to do it when they are still young, before they get used to regular food, so they are not as resistant and it becomes a way of life. Some kids benefit. Mine did, big time. He’s been on a diet sinc ethe day after his third birthday. Some signs that a child could have food allergies are bowel issues, dark circles, or red cheeks. You’ve helped ryan already. he’s a lucky boy.
do you do gluten free and casein free?
Don’t know how I missed this post. Sorry for the late reply. My son’s been on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for six years. Its like gluten free casein free ON STEROIDS! Seriously, it is no grain whatsoever!!! So while GFCF can have potato, rice and corn, SCD can’t. Also he’s sugar free, so the only sweetener we use is honey. There’s a tab on it on the blog for more info. Or read Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gottschall, the bible for SCD.
Hi!
I am an OT student, and a mother of a 4 yo boy on the autism spectrum. I am developing a program with a group of peers, and
we are working on creating a “Party Book” for children on the Autism
spectrum. We are conducting a “needs assessment,” and I have chosen
you to answer a few questions, in order to obtain feedback regarding
the NEED for a book that is designed to help plan and execute a
successful birthday party for a child with ASD.
Please take a few moments to think about these questions and provide
us with you (expert) advice/opinions. Thank you!!
1) Do you think there is a need for a ‘Party Book’ designed for
children on the Spectrum? Please explain this need.
2) What topics or areas would you like to see addressed in this book?
(we were thinking of targeting issues related to sensory modulation
and socialization; please give us other areas or some finer details
that we should be addressing.)
3) We were thinking of covering the following topics: activities and
games, party food, party favors, and gift suggestions; do you have any
suggestions for any of these topics? Please elaborate!
4) Do you have any other suggestions, comments related to making a
Praty book for children on the spectrum?
Thank you very, VERY much for your time and expert advice. PLEASE
pass this on to anyone who you think may be helpful as a
parent/relative/friend/therapist of a child with ASD. All responses
will remain strictly confidential and anonymous
Please email your response to:
Miri Goldberg
mirigoldberg@gmail.com
Mimi: SInce you’re using my blog for research, I will reply on the blog so others can see and contribute if they want to.
Here’s 3 party book ideas: One for the ASD kid to know what to expect at a party; one for the ASD parent to help them throw the best party for their child’s needs; and one for the rest of the typical world to know how to incorporate a ASD kid into a typical kids party. Definitely target sensory overload issues…the lights, noise, crowds, smells, and how freakin wonderful it’d be NOT to have all the sweet crap and punches with sugars and dyes. Many ASD kids are on diets. Rigid bday party settings where all the kids are expected to either be still, be quiet, or follow strict instructions, or wait a long time for their turn are NOT good for ASD kids.
Good luck. I look forward to my free copy when its published LOL.